Establishing Traditions and Older Child Adoption
Welcome to the December Carnival of Natural Parenting: Let’s Talk Traditions
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama.
Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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This month’s Carnival of Natural Parenting’s theme is leaving me stumped. The theme is “Let’s Talk Traditions: From holidays to birthdays, long weekends to family vacations, what has your family done to make special occasions memorable?” Our family has worked hard at establishing traditions, but the reality is that we’ve had a few obstacles in doing it. For my submission this month I thought I’d share the reasons that we’ve struggled, resources that have inspired me to continue plugging away at establishing traditions, and share our short list of traditions that are slowly taking root.
Our obstacles are mostly related to the fact that we are (still) in the process of adopting our older two, who are now 8.5 and almost 5. They’ve lived with us for 2.5 years, long enough for us to have fallen into daily rhythms and routines, but too short for annual traditions to have taken hold. MrH and I only had 4 Christmases together (total) before the children joined our family. Just enough to begin navigating the territories of “how do we wish to celebrate together?” and not enough time to think about how that might include children one day. During that time, we also decided to stop traveling during Christmas, which meant no longer spending it with my family. A huge change. Once the kids joined our family, they added a whole new set of needs and history that needed to be taken into consideration. Since the duration of their living arrangement was uncertain, our first Christmas we tried to make it child-friendly and also heavily included their birthmom. As their second Christmas with us neared (and the first with our brand-new biological daughter), we realized we needed to be thinking about how to celebrate in the long-run. Deciding what elements to keep, what to lose, what to adjust, and how to make it all happen was huge and still continues (after all, we only just started that last year, during the newborn-fog days!). I still have a list of “traditions to be established.” A vision of how I want holidays to look, and I expect that to continue to evolve for the next few years. Though we did make a step by using an activities advent calendar this year.
In spite of all the factors making it more complicated for us to settle into solid family traditions, we have made strides. We value traditions. Our earliest discussions of what our family would look like included various traditions I’d want to have. Unfortunately they’ve been hard to start with such a sudden growth in family size (we joke about having 3 kids in 3 months, except that it’s not a joke). Several books have been helpful for ideas and inspiration:
- The Joy of Family Traditions by Jennifer Trainer Thompson – a delightful volume with lovely ideas.
- Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne – one of my favorite parenting books. Having reliable routines and rituals is a key element of parenting in this way.
- The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties by William J. Doherty – both a discussion of why rituals and traditions matter, and many practical ideas on how to make it happen.
So after all that, in what ways have we been successful at implementing holiday traditions in our family? Last year and this year we went to an actual tree-farm to choose our Christmas tree, cut it down, and bring it home. We take the kids to a Christmas Eve church service. At the end, we all hold candles and sing Silent Night together. At home, each family member has a stocking which Santa fills, in addition to presents under the tree. We have a special breakfast on Christmas morning.
Like I said, we’re a work in progress, and I very much look forward to reading about what other people have to say about this topic!
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- Traditions? What traditions? — Olivia at Write About Birth needs your advice: how can she make the most of the holiday season in a new country with only her immediate family? (@writeaboutbirth)
- TRADITION!!!!!! — Ella at My Intentional Journey reminds us all to be thankful for family traditions; there are those who have none.
- tradition! — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine came to realize that families can make incredible memories, even if they’re not wealthy (or organized).
- Taking a child’s perspective on traditions — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to keep in mind how important even the mundane traditions will be to her little ones. (@Hobo_Mama)
- Sunday Dinners and Lullabies — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment finds traditions in the small things throughout the year.
- Simple Family Advent Traditions — Michelle at The Parent Vortex crafted a set of advent bags with daily surprises to eat and to do. (@TheParentVortex)
- Parenting: Family Meetings – A Timeless Tradition — Amy Phoenix at Innate Wholeness discusses a year-round tradition in her household: Family Meetings. (@InnateWholeness)
- Our Mindful Holidays — They may not be “traditional” traditions, but they fit the family of Kellie at Our Mindful Life.
- Our Holiday Traditions, New and Old — Even with three young children, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings is finding ways to be intentional and meaningful about holiday traditions. (@sunfrog)
- Our Cupcake Custom — Amy at Anktangle knows celebrations need minimal excuse and lots of cupcakes! (@anktangle)
- On the bunny slope of tradition-making — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama is finding her groove as a holistic-minded mama with a joyful holiday spirit. (@crunchychewy)
- No, Virginia, There Is Not a Santa Claus — Just because her family is not going to do Santa, does not mean that Sheila at A Gift Universe can’t instill some mystery and magic into Christmas. (@agiftuniverse)
- New Traditions — Becky at Future Legacy shares a few traditions she is starting for her family, including popovers, a birthday banner, and service.
- My Holiday Family Traditions — The Artsymama continues a long tradition of adopting family members and sharing two favorite games that work well for a crowd.
- Mindfully Creating Family Traditions — Alison at BluebirdMama has ideas for celebrating birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas — though her family’s still figuring some of it out. (@bluebirdmama)
- Memorable Traditions — Lori Ann at MamaWit follows four mindful steps when instituting any tradition.
- Let’s Talk Traditions — Lily, aka Witch Mom shares her family’s traditions that are centered on the wheel of the year. (@lilyshahar)
- Homeschool Christmas — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now did not always celebrate the Christmas season in the same way with her family, but they always celebrated together. (@DebChitwood)
- Holidays, food and family — For Kristen at Adventures in Mommyhood, the holidays are about family and food. (@crunchymamato2)
- Giving Christmas to the Critter — Rachael at The Variegated Life has found a way to tie her Zen practices to the Christmas story of the baby in the manger. (@RachaelNevins)
- Family Traditions + To Santa Or Not To Santa — Stop by Natural Parents Network to discover some of the traditions from other natural parents. NPN is also featuring snippets of posts from NP bloggers on the topic of whether to encourage children to believe in Santa Claus. (@NatParNet)
- Family Tradition Origins — Momma Jorje discusses her family’s traditions, and her desire not to make anyone feel obligated to conform to them.
- Everyday Traditions — For Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children it’s the small, daily traditions that make life special.
- Establishing Traditions and Older Child Adoption — MrsH at Fleeting Moments is trying to find ways to start traditions with a family that was made very quickly through birth and adoption.
- Emerging Family Traditions — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! shares some of her favorite birthday and Christmas traditions. (@bfmom)
- Does Rebellion Count? — Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante has instituted a day of rest and PJs at her house on Christmas. (@seonaid_lee)
- December Carnival of Natural Parenting: Family Traditions — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker tries to give her girls a mix of traditions to foster togetherness — but worries that not being near extended family is a disconnect.
- Craft-tea Christmas Celebrations — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud created a delicious Christmas tradition that she named “Craft-tea.”
- A Christmas Tradition — Luschka at Diary of a First Child knows that even though she won’t be able to have her usual holiday traditions this year, the important thing is that she has her family. (@lvano)
- Celebrations without the Holiday — Asha at Meta Mom shares several ways to celebrate the winter holidays without focusing on religious traditions. (@metamomma)
- Celebrating the Journey We Have Traveled Together — Acacia at Be Present enjoys the chance to draw closer to her family during the Christmas holiday.
- Celebrating Motherhood — Do you celebrate the day you became a mother? Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers some ideas for traditions to mark your passage into motherhood. (@CodeNameMama)
- Celebrate! Winter Traditions Brought Home. — At True Confessions of a Real Mommy, TrueRealMommy and her family are celebrating many different religions and traditions this month. Stop by to see their schedule of events. (@TrueRealMommy)
- “Always Ready”, Holiday Style — Amy at Toddler In Tow discovered that it’s not the traditions themselves, but the emotional experience behind them that makes them special.
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- Family Traditions + To Santa Or Not To Santa | Natural Parents Network
- Celebrations « Meta|Mom
- Traditions: Does Rebellion Count? « The Practical Dilettante
- Tweets that mention Establishing Traditions and Older Child Adoption « Fleeting Moments -- Topsy.com
- New Traditions | Future Legacy
- Emerging Family Traditions | Breastfeeding Moms Unite
- Everyday Traditions | living peacefully with children
- Crunchy Chewy Mama » Blog Archive » On the bunny slope of tradition-making – Carnival of Natural Parenting
- tradition! « very, very fine
- Simple Family Advent Traditions
- Giving Christmas to the Critter
- A Christmas Tradition | Diary of a First Child
- Homeschool Christmas | LivingMontessoriNow.com
Fleeting Moments 
Found you via the carnival. I was attracted to your title because my family plans on adopting someday, but I’m scared about all it will take, especially with regards to these types of topics! I’m going to check out several of the links in this post — establishing routines and rhythms with older adopted kids is a question I’ve had, and I’m going to do an Advent activity round-up post soon so I thought I’d check out your activity post!
I won’t lie, it is hard, but then again, so is parenting our biological children! I’m not expert, but if you have any questions feel free to let me know, I’d be happy to share what has worked (or hasn’t yet!) for us.
One thing I would say is that traditions have a way of building themselves. We have friends that always tell us to be careful not to do something three times unless we want to have to keep doing it forever. The kids know that there will be gingerbread houses, because there were gingerbread houses last year… and the year before that. But I didn’t start making gingerbread to develop a tradition. I just wanted to make a gingerbread house once. The tradition grew up organically.
In fact, I’m being called to that task Right This Minute, so that’s about all I have to say right now. 🙂
I’m so intimidated about gingerbread houses! That’s great you’re willing and able to do it with your kids. And thanks for the reminder about traditions growing organically. I just LOVE having them so it’s been hard to feel like we don’t have many! I guess that in a few years we’ll have a longer list, even if I don’t actually do much to make that happen. Thanks!
What a fabulous reason to be a little lost about how to add traditions 🙂
My one question is – have you asked the little ones what kind of traditions they’d like to have? Maybe you could first come up with a few possibilities to share with them, then have a brainstorming session to see what they can think of (and maybe how you can all modify the ideas you thought about initially). I imagine that coming together as a family to decide on family traditions might be a great way to mesh everyone together.
Good luck!!
You’re totally right! We only really did that the first year, and only with the older one b/c the younger one wasn’t verbal yet. Great idea, thanks!
That’s such an interesting angle to have. I can see where it would be a challenge to establish traditions with older children. I will say, though, that I found it a challenge even without children and now with just one. I suppose we just muddle through and take the steps forward as we can. I would imagine with your older kids, they will probably want input on what traditions to start and keep, which must be nice. I love that you’ve listed books to reference; I’ll have to check those out!
In reading other submissions though I’m realizing that, as you said, it’s a challenge for lots of people, regardless of how their families were formed. Hope you find something in the books helpful, I’m a total book junkie, the librarians recognize me as the lady who takes out way too many books at a time (and purchases a new library card every two times I go… but that’s another story!). Thanks for stopping by!
Simplicity Parenting is on my list to read. I’m glad to hear how much you like it.
We have four bilogical children, the oldest of whom is 8 years old. We are still developing our traditions. It is fun, though.
I do really love it! I guess we’re all constantly developing traditions, aren’t we? It can be quite daunting, but really fun and exciting, too!
I really appreciate your perspective and your seemingly relaxed approach about developing your traditions, even if you don’t have a choice about the wait. I get really excited about establishing new traditions with my growing family but have to keep perspective that the traditions that develop more on their own are more meaningful than ones I might try to force.
Oh true confessions: I’m not relaxed about it! I wish we had more, I’m always trying to think of more, but then the reality of life with three kids hits and so we (I) realize I’m not supermom and need to just take it easy. It really is the ones that develop on their own that tend to stick, and offer the least amount of stress, isn’t it? At least, as long as I’m present enough to roll with it and let it happen!
I totally feel like we’re still building our traditions, and sometimes I get frustrated because I want it all to be settled and comfortable and familiar RIGHT NOW! But it’s not. And it’s good to be reminded that our traditions will grow organically as our family grows.
My 4yo has been asking to build a gingerbread house, and I’ve been kind of putting it off because I’ve never done one before. But tomorrow we’ll do it! And probably next year, and the year after that… 🙂
happy building! I haven’t done one yet either, for the same reason. Hope all goes well!