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March 11, 2011 / MrsH

My boy feels sad

Occasionally, Buddy will crawl into my bed during the night and ask the snuggle.  He’s never really been able to verbalize why he needs that, but we generally let him and then move him back to his bed once he’s asleep.  This happened last night and, unlike usual, he was pretty adamant that no he had not had a bad dream.  He was just feeling sad and wanted to snuggle. So we did, he fell asleep pretty well, and I moved him a half an hour later.

In the morning, he crawled back into my bed.  We chatted for a few minutes, I felt more connected to him than I have in a very long time.  He said his leg hurt so I suggested we ask his doctor about that when we see her next week (at this point I had to explain well-visits!).  I suggested we also ask her about whether he still needs to drink his special Buddy-milk (aka soymilk), since he’s been begging us for cow’s milk and doesn’t seem to respond badly to it anymore.  “Is there anything else you’d like to ask her about?”  I asked him.  “Yes, about feeling sad,” he replied.  He then proceeded to tell me that he feels sad “all the time” and that when he feels really sad is when he breaks things.  My heart broke a little bit.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of the life-long sadness that my two older children will feel as a result of their adoption.  I think I’d subconsciously relegated a lot of the issues to the “dealt with it” shelf.  Becoming aware of this over the past weeks has also opened my heart up to the pain and sadness, it’s allowing me to see it more and allowing them to express it more.  So as we prepare to actually file the adoption paperwork with the courts, we’re also doing some very hard and sad emotional work.  I wasn’t prepared for that.  And while I didn’t begin this blog as an adoption blog, it’s a topic that will certainly be covered more and more frequently hear as we grapple with all of this.

For now, we’re signing Buddy up for play therapy at the same wonderful place that Missy, MrH, and I go.  We’ll see how long their waitlist is…


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